Twilight Adulting: My Cold Welcome


You know, a lot of times people like to talk to you about something that they themselves have never experienced. I think one of the worse feelings in the world is when someone tells you “I know how you’re feeling” and you can honestly say “No you don’t”. The moments when you can look at a situation and say to yourself “if that were me I’d do…” and when the situations happens to you, you feel like you’re standing in the middle of ground zero. I’m talking about those moments when you feel untouchable and God takes it upon himself to personally humble you. 

My mother, Bubbles, was an educator through and through. She made it of the utmost importance to know how to read, write, and to articulate your thoughts in a conversation. She was the type of woman to befriend your teachers and ,if she liked them enough, gave them permission to nail your ass to the wall if you stepped out of line. Education was paramount for her and she has no issue openly telling you about it. 

Although she biologically wasn’t my mother, she put her blood, sweat, tears, & prayers into me. She & my father (before he died) brought me from NC to NJ and gave me a life that was full of adventure and opportunity. In my eyes, my mother was everything to me, and as long as she was binge watching Law & Order SVU and drinking ginger ale as if it was the answer for the eternal youth question, I was alright.

 When she died, April 10th, 2011, everything stopped for me. I was in the middle of taking assessments for my upcoming freshman semester for college and my mind went completely blank. A month before prom, two months before graduation, 4 months before I left for college and I had just lost the person who helped me set it all into motion. 

The rest of the year was a blur that consisted of two proms, graduation, traveling, classes, partying, drinking, cheating, sex and the news that I was going to be a father. Needless to say I didn’t handle the loss well. Some people say that I was being 18, others say I was being careless, to me it was taking my mind off of the things that hurt by doing everything else. 

By the end of the freshman year I was face to face with the fact that my fall semester had all but made certain that I would fail my initial year of college. Lala tried her best to console me but it added on to the disappointment and sadness that I was already holding in me. For the first time I had to come to terms with the fact that I had no idea how to handle myself being out on my own in the world. The one opportunity I had to learn how, was spent blowing money on black & milds, alcohol, and women. 

In July of 2012, the stinging pain of knowing I flunked college (& now owed them) somewhat dulled as I held E.G. in my arms for the first time. I was somehow making a $75 dollar check every week from being the musician at a church care for E.G., Lola and me. One of my best friends, Stix, always wondered how I did it & to this day I have no clue. I was still dealing with my own issues when my Godfather said to me “what is your plan for college and your son?” 

Needless to say, I had no idea at the time. My initial mind said ask for help but my anger and pride said to figure it out on my own. I was living in the first floor apartment of my aunt & uncle’s house where I would sleep, cheat, and avoid paying my uncle the little rent money he asked for. The sad part is that I was the one who came to him asking to pay him what I could for rent because it felt wierd staying in his house for free. I spent it towards E.G. and Lola agreed that it was the best choice, but I learned a word at 19 that most people in their 30’s and 40’s still tremble at. 

Eviction. 

Granted it was a verbal eviction notice, but all I knew on Sept. 1st 2012 was that I had 30 days to find somewhere else to live or I would be homeless at 19. To start from a dorm room a year ago to facing homelessness a year later, it was safe it say that I was both spiraling out of control and burning bridges left and right all for what I thought was right & justified. 

I would’ve been a damn good politician at the time. 

30 days later I found my girlfriend, my son and I on an airplane destined to Charlotte, NC where we’d bounce like a game of Hot Potato from one Carolina to another until we ended up in Charlotte again with the sudden news of our daughter’s surprising presence in Lala’s stomach. 

At that point in 2014 I was asked several questions: How do you walk into an interview? How do you sell yourself? Whats the best kind of insurance for car, house, life, etc. How are you going to finish school, work, and be a parent? Is marriage in our future? I started going back to the question my Godfather asked me back in 2012: “What’s your plan for college and your son?”. 

2 years and now one child (with another on the way later) I came to a startling, scary, and stark horrific concept…

My mother, Bubbles, was an educator through and through. She made it of the utmost importance to know how to read, write, and to articulate your thoughts in a conversation. She was the type of woman to befriend your teachers and ,if she liked them enough, gave them permission to nail your ass to the wall if you stepped out of line. Education was paramount for her and she has no issue openly telling you about it. 

She was an educator, and like most educators she made academics the top priority. So as I was turning 21, living with my brother, with my daughter on the way I realized that academically I was well versed, but when it came to the social aspect of the real world I was as illiterate as an infant beginning to teethe. 

To put it bluntly: I was scared shitless. 

I felt untouchable at one point. I thought the world was in the palm of my hands. God showed me that the world I thought I was holding was slowly eating me alive. 

July of 2014 I woke up as a single father of two. Lala and I separated after a broken engagement, countless lies, and trust that was scorched to flames. As I looked at my two year old son and my infant daughter I knew that something had to change. If life ate me alive, I’d bear the teeth marks but my children would feel the bite. I decided that life had to and would be figured out. 

This is my continual journey to not only chase after my goals, but to let someone know out there who’s going through the same thing that I understand. 

This is my journey to understand, and eventually, master life. 

Stay Tuned…

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Author: acegadsden

Est. 93'| Taurean Male| Dad| USN| Hospital Corpsman Your Persuasion can Build a Nation but My Desire can Build an Empire.

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