I don’t say it often because it brings emotions that I don’t want to deal with. It takes me to places that I don’t want to go because as much as I want to be by her side I can’t right now. Times I wanna cry but I can’t allow myself to… or rather I don’t.
This is the first time I’ve even allowed myself to bring myself into this headspace in a while. Not too long ago I’ve lived in this headspace because of her. We talked everyday. I woke up to her & went to sleep with her smile as the last thing I saw. It was all through FaceTime but it was all so perfect.
The way her eyes sparkles… There’s a look she would give me that would set my soul past cloud nine because I knew it was only for me. I loved talking to her, and even when we said nothing we would just look at each other, eyes scanning our souls in a space in time that we designed only for us.
As cold as it was that night. Seeing you for the first time after 5 years (but this time as my girlfriend) was one of the greatest moments I had in Texas. Seeing your eyes sparkle in person made seeing it on FaceTime just not fair. The way you fit in my arms, the way our lips danced with each other, every morning I woke up with you in my arms I wanted to freeze time.
It was hard seeing you go. Even though we had plans on seeing each other again the thought of you leaving that day I’ve come to realize hurt more than I expected it to. The tears in your eyes broke my heart and as we cried in each other’s arms I knew I’d move heaven & earth to keep you in my arms forever.
Something changed that day. A transition happened for us. Neither of us knew it yet but it would bring about new problems for us… problems that would amplify our emotions past anything we ever expected it to be at that point in time. We’ve pushed each other away, gotten busy individually, and have been upset because it seemed like the space that we made for just us became unavailable.
I started to not show you my emotions because you didn’t show me yours. We spent the last few weeks angry, short tempered, and easily triggered. People have even asked us “do you even have a girlfriend/boyfriend?”. As funny as it seemed it irritated us more because as much as we knew our feelings we began to question the feelings of the other.
It’s been a while since I’ve allowed myself to be in this headspace and I didn’t know what to say or what words could properly describe what I was feeling. All the emotions I wanted to avoid are currently crashing into me and I finally understand what changed…
You’ve successfully managed to break through every barrier I had, and I managed to break through yours…
You became such an important part of my life. As headstrong and determined as I am, life didn’t feel the same before you came into it. I was afraid because these emotions that I’ve been trying to avoid made me realize that I’m territorial, jealous, and a bit crazy…
Everything I tried to avoid (because of stress, fright, etc.) is a terrifying storm in my chest but to stand in the eye of it has brought peace to something I needed. It also made me realize something else.
As much as you’re busy, sleepy, stubborn, short tempered, etc.
You’re just as afraid as I am…
You’re just as scared as I am…
Our pasts hasn’t been the most pleasant which is why not only are we scared because of the new feelings, but we don’t want to be hurt or feel less than by someone we love with an intensity we’ve never felt before.
So as my thumbs are shaking writing this, I want you to know that I’m terrified, I’m scared, I’m busy, and I’ve fallen so far in love with you that I can’t see the bottom. The place we made for just our souls is still there. No matter how busy we’ve gotten, or we’ll ever be, I’ll always have time for you, in the space we’ve made just for us. Where all of the stress of the world was muted and we could laugh, cry, pray, and love.
When you left that night in Texas, as I slipped my gold ring around your thumb and kissed you, you took a piece of my soul with you. I think I finally understand you… because of the piece of your soul you left with me.
I miss you baby… with all of my emotions on the table… I miss you.
I’m afraid to lose you.
You’re one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me.
The future wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t there by my side with me.
Don’t run away from your emotions, because it was the trust we shared through our emotions that made us.. and makes us.. as powerful as we are.
So let’s be scared together. Let’s take this next jump into our lives. I promise you won’t jump alone. When we’re in the air I promise I won’t let go. When we fly I promise to hold you tight.
You’re not alone anymore baby. We’ll challenge & conquer this world together.
In the space we made for only us: where our darkest secrets lie, where our hopes, fears, and prayers lie, where we allowed ourselves to be human and feel…
That’s where I’ll be waiting…
And no matter the distance… I’ll always be here.
I love you.