I was told time and time again (even recently) that without God everything you do will fail. It’s something that I’ve herd all through out my life from different people. I’d like to say I listened but I’ve been angry with God for a few years and I finally confronted Him about it.
Sitting here pissed at Cupcake because our communication has been all but non existent, I told God that I didn’t know if I could do this much longer. It brought up memories and it triggered a deep well of anger that I had yet to acknowledge. I tried to calm down, but the more I thought about it the more the rage overwhelmed me.
I asked God “why did he put in situations where I felt alone?” “Why put me around people who made me feel alone?”
As I swept the aisles at my job I grew more angry, frustrated, and irate. I thought of the people who hurt, abandoned, and lied to me, and after a while I found myself struggling to not grind my teeth.
I asked “God, why did you allow those people to treat me that way?”
I said “God you know the things I want for my life and the people in it. Can you give me some direction?”
“God please say something…”
The feeling of despair and rage danced a dangerous tango in my head and for once the anger that I kept hidden came out and came down like acid rain.
I cursed the people who hurt me to hell, wanted any and everyone to hurt like I was hurting. I wanted the atmosphere to feel the rage, despair, sadness, and depression in my heart, and if the environment was licked by the flames of my unleashed temper then so be it.
“ITS NOT FAIR!” I said venomously under my breath. “Why does everyone get to move on with their life and I have to sit with the pieces of what used to be and what broken? God you lied to me!”
Often enough God answers you when you least expect it, and as I continued to vent and confess the dark thoughts of my broken heart He finally answered.
I stopped completely when the words came out of my mouth.
“You’re hurting because you refuse to let the pain go. You’ve been hurting yourself and those around you in the process.”
In that moment memories of the people I loved played through my head:
When Missy sat me down and said “the only one that’s suffering is you”
When Mandy said “Your life is not your own anymore. Will you make your kids suffer because you did?”
When Cupcake with tears in her eyes said “The things you do creates a ripple effect to those who are in your life babe.”
“Why should I care?” My thoughts were beginning to tumble into chaos. I asked God “Why do I stay hurt & everyone moves on?”
A memory of mom played in my head. Her words clear as day:
“Holding grudges will leave you miserable.”
As the anger finally faded a mental movie went on in my head.
I was watching another me sit in front of me in deep despair and sadness. His eyes had no light, his clothes unkempt, his face ashen with the tears that his soul cried. He gazed in my direction and in a voice I barely herd he said
“Why did you let them hurt me?”
Cold chills ran down my back as he looked at me. The me that sat before me was cold, defenseless, lifeless, and lonely.
“You said I was better off alone. You told me I was a horrific person. You said my past was unforgivable and you left me here to wither and die.”
I shook my head “No… I-”
“YOU said you’d protect me!” My doppelgänger cried out. “You said you’d keep me close to God and you lied to me.”
As I stood there with wide eyes, pale skin and the beginning of a bad headache, I looked around for an answer, a key, a sign, something….
I stood there not knowing what to say because for once I saw my tumultuous emotions, my hurt, pain, and sadness, manifested into something my mind made me tangibly see.
What scared me the most was that it was the sometimes the same thing I saw in my reflection.
My clone adjusted his eyes to my form and I could only look at him with the same feelings of sadness in my own heart.
“I’m sorry I made you feel less than. I’m sorry I made your life a living mental and emotional hell. I’m sorry that I didn’t protect you. I was young, so I was naive and I didn’t know. When I did I was far too conditioned to stop. I put everyone else’s happiness over yours, and I didn’t take the time to give you the things you needed.”
Silence stood between us for what seemed like forever.
“Can you forgive me?”
He looked up at the sky and looked at himself. Picking at his dingy clothes and his matted hair. “Look at the condition you left me in”
I hesitantly walked up and slowly placed my hand on his shoulder. I looked at the dirt marks on his skin, the rings around his eyes, The confusion on his face, the overall washed out look that was his aura.
“I’m sorry I let you get like this. Let’s get you cleaned up.”
“…You won’t leave me again?”
My clone grabbed my sleeve and said the one thing that changed my perspective
“I forgive you”
I came out of my mind space wondering how much time passed. I found myself still simmering but ashamed of how I saw myself in my mindscape. For all it was worth I began to sing to God.
It was through song that I first learned about him. Music is part of me and by singing to him I allowed myself to be vulnerable to Him. He began answering my questions one by one.
To Be Continued…